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Part 2..
by MiseryBusiness @ 2007-12-13 - 20:41:23

I found out he had a wife in September. I only found out because I went to stay at his house. He went to get a bottle of wine and his phone bleeped. He had a text message. I read it, only because i felt suspicious (he'd been keeping his phone close to him all day). It read: Sorry I cant b there babe. keep the bed warm 4 me. xx'. When he came back, i confronted him with it, and he admitted he had a wife, children, and that there was nothing wrong in their relationship. I asked him why he was doing this then, nad he replied 'Because I wanted it. I like getting what i want."

Since then, i've tried to break it off. Every time i try to put space between us, he makes me scared and i come running. Whenever i threaten to dump him or walk, he makes me feel.. small, weak. I know i'm a timid thing.. but for heaven's sake, staying because i'm scared is almost cowardly.

I've met his wife and kids as well.. once at his birthday party, nad once at the christmas party. His wife is beautiful, and really lovely to me.. And both his kids are great too. The boy is my age and, if not for my situation, i'd really like him; he's a genuine, sweet guy, and he walked me home on the night of the christmas party.. I wish i hadn't got myself into this..

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mistertrampmistertramp [Member]
2007-12-13 @ 22:08

My first egotistical male reaction to this was to hope that I'm as magnetic for young attractive ladies when I'm 41...

I suppose the only advice I can offer from my ridiculous perspective is: It's experience, and parts of it were great, but as soon as it makes you unhappy then you know it's come to an end.

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MiseryBusinessMiseryBusiness [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 08:28

Lol! I think most want that >.>

Well, your 'ridiculous perspective' is fine :)

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ranfuchsranfuchs [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 00:51

I wonder how he can make you scared? What can he do?

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MiseryBusinessMiseryBusiness [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 08:20

Well.. he's made me think he's told other members of staff.. and their my friends and I know he would twist it so it's all me doing this. Then it's just.. the way he talks to me at work if i don't do as he wants. I hate being talked to like a piece of.. poo.. but he plays on that. And i get scared that i've really hurt him, go to his office, and he knows hes won again. He hit me once too.. but to be honest i'm not afraid of that.. physical evidence and all that..

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ranfuchsranfuchs [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 09:28

This sounds really bad. I have seen such work situations many times and let me share some of my experience, if its worth anything at all:

1. If you want to have an affair with your boss 20 years older than you are, it is your right. No one can tell you if it’s good or bad. This is just your decision
2. If you have a relationship because you are intimidated, this is bad, get out of it
3. Your boss is 41 you are 19, under no circumstance he can claim that you made him do it. Can he claim “she pinned me to the table and raped me” most unlikely. So however it started he was a willing participate
4. Will he tells the stuff and your friends? He is married. You can just as well tell him that you will tell them first. Just think about your friends starting talking behind his back: “she is screwing the boss” It will reflect much worse on him than on you. You are young and single, that what you should be doing after all.
5. He is 41, and having an affair, so yes he’ll get hurt. But this is something that you know whenever you start one. At the age of 41, much better than at the age of 19, you are much better equipped to handle this pain and hurt. Don’t worry about that, he will survive.
6. He hit you once? Get out of the relationship immediately! You are holding all the cards. You can tell your friends, his wife the police. There is nothing he can do abut it.
7. The earlier you learn this, the better the rest of your relationship will be. After all, emotional blackmailing is something most of us have experienced. The earlier you learn to handle it, the better your chances are to have better future relationships. (http://ranfuchs.blog.co.uk/2007/12/09/the_tragedy_of_relationships~3416496) Some people never learn, and stay in relationship they suffer, completely missing their lives.
8. So simply think what you want, and do it. Don’t think for him. Think for yourself
9. and be strong

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MiseryBusinessMiseryBusiness [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 14:21

1. I'm not thinking in that way.. the age gap and the fact he's my boss aren't my problems.. it was once i knew about his wife this started.
2. Yeah.. thats part of the reason i'm still staying..
3. Hah.. he fully consented.. he instigated it!
4. It would reflect badly on me though! No matter what, someone wil lthink 'what a wh*re, she slept with a married man etc.
5. I'm not worried about hurting him. He's hurt me one too many times for me to feel any regret.
6. Thats the problem.. hes threatened to hit me again, nad thats the big reason i'm staying.. fear..
7. Yeah.. that just scared me.. and i don't want to end up suffering for the rest of my life because of stupid mistakes.
8. I'm doing that a lot more now.. putitng myself first rather then thinking that i have to please.
9. ..That's the one thing i don't feel i can be..

Thanks for your input :) It wwas pretty helpful, even if you think it wasn't.

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ranfuchsranfuchs [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 19:00

4. I don’t know what your background, where you live, where you work and what’s your upbringing like. But in England nowadays, if someone think you a w*** for that, let it be. It is much more common and acceptable than you can imagine.

6. if he threaten to hit you again, this is a matter for the police. Men know that women are too afraid to use it. But this is your right, and in many ways your obligation. Simply tell your best friend about it, this is your insurance policy. Then just tell him that if he touches you once more, you go straight to the police. And when you say it, mean it. You may save the girl who is going to be in a position after you. If you disagree and he forces you its rape, and this is 7 years in jail. You have rights, know what they are. Be strong about it, as hard as it can be.

9. You can be strong. Anyone can. Believe me, I know a lot about being stronger than you ever believed you can be. Just find this strength in you.

If you need support you can also call Women’s Aid free number: 0808 2000 247. They should be able to help you, or at least support you. This is exactly what they do, and it sounds like you could use the help

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RooticaleeRooticalee [Member]
http://www.che-lives.com/home/
2007-12-14 @ 01:42

He's manipulating you because he knows he can. It makes him feel strong to dis-empower you. Personally I think he's the one who is weak and he's definitely insecure about some aspect of his life. At the end of the day he's got a lot more to lose than you in this situation. If you wanted you could make things really difficult for him as a way of ending it all. However, a less destructive way is to call his bluff and tell him you want him to leave his wife for you and unless he does then it's over. With any luck that will scare him off. Hope you can get it sorted :)

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MiseryBusinessMiseryBusiness [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 08:24

I tried that. Once. And he got really really aggressive.. hit me.. I know that was a fear reaction, but i'm scared of getting that again.

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ranfuchsranfuchs [Member]
2007-12-14 @ 09:29

I disagree. From what she describes, she must not play game. She should make a point and stop the relationship at once.

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