I'm so confused right now.. and i feel all scared and het up and just.. damn scared.

I was pretty scared to go to work today (as anyone who read my previous post can understand) but i felt like.. he would know i'm scared that way, and i don't want him to win. So i went in. Things weren't too bad, as for once i was PAing a different boss (executive director of all people.. oooh).

This evening though, i left late because i was PAin the executive lady, and that meant i couldn't get my normal bus. I had to wait another hour, so i went inside have a coffee and get a chance to read the book i'm reading (Atonement - Ian McEwan).

.. I didn't know he would be there. He just appeared from nowhere. I was so glad there were other people around (not in the room, but in adjoining offices, with glass panels between, so they could see if he hurt me). He started saying stuff into my ear.. horrible stuff that i don't want to think about, about what he would do if i got caught on my own with him. I couldn't take it, i pushed him away, got up. I don't think i've ever been as angry and upset as i got tonight.

"Your not the one that has control of this. I do. I have bruises, i have your texts, i have all sorts of evidence to prove you've been threatening me.." He grabbed my arm, hard enough to really hurt, nad twisted it. All my anger and confidence just.. vanished.. I felt like a little girl again, and i just crumpled. And you know what he said into my ear? "You might have all that.. but you don't have the guts to use it." then he walked out.

My arms really hurting.. and i just feel so stupid.. he knows now that i'm still scared.. and he can still stop me. Stupis, stupid me..

Easy to despair, when all you hear is fear and lies
Easy just to run and hide, too frightened to begin
But if we dare to dare, don't wait for answers from the skies
Each of us can look inside, and hear this song within

.. yeah, that's Leon Jackson's song (Cmon the Scots!).. that particular part means a lot to me at the moment.

So, moving on, update. I went to stay with my family up in Scotland over the weekend.. lucky i'd had this planned really, this was just what i needed. Being back on the hills with all the snow and that made me see things clearly for the first time in a bit. I left my phone behind for the whole weekend.. and when i came back Sunday night, there was about 25 messages on my home phone, 24 on my mobile, and (wait for it..) 73 text messages! And guess who almost all of them were from..

I deleted the voicemail messages, but i read some of the texts. He'd been getting drunk, i could tell. His spelling got worse and his threats got worse. To be honest, at that point, i didn't care. He could do what he liked..

I didn't feel like that this morning though.. i was going to have to face him sometime today, i knew that. I deliberately went in just on time, so that he wouldnt have a opportunity to catch me on my own. I text my friend to say i was in work, nad she text me back: 'Tell me straight away if he does anything.. i'll knock his block off for you'.

Anyway.. up until lunchtime, all was good. But then i went and had lunch at the canteen, and on my way back he cornered me. "You ignored me all weekend!" I told him, calmly as i could, that i'd left my phone at home all weekend, and that i'd been out "Don't lie to me!" Normally, i'd be scared by that.. but honestly, now that i've stood up to him, i see him for what he is.. a kid in a man's body, whos been caught with his ahnds in the metaphorical cookie-jar and is now trying to get out of it.

H easked me if i'd told his wife. I almost laughed; surely he'd have got a bullocking if i'd told her? He turned on the charm then, trying to get me to come back onto his side; telling me he'd dump her for me and everything! i just told him to leave me alone; that i wanted nothing more to do with him in a personal sense, and that if he tried anything again, i'd be straight on the phone, to his wife, and the police. I've got bruises to back up what i can claim, so..

He let me go, but i got a text about 7pm tonight, and it bloody scared me. 'You can act all brave at work, little girl, but once i get you somewhere where your truly alone, i'll have you begging to be back with me.' He did it from a different phone, but i knew it was him. Why can;t he just leave me the hell alone?!

Alright.. i'm a little angry right now and there may be tonnes of spelling errors and stuff, but i don't care..

I got to work earlier, and i started to feel so annoyed at whats been happening, and how hes been treating me and his family, and how i feel so out of control. And i suddenly thought 'i have to tell someone..' I rang one of my best friends at work nad suggested making up for a catchup (i haven't been avble to talk on my own with her for a while). We met up at a local restaurant, and after a little while and broke down and told her everything thats been happening, how it all started, how i found out hes married and has kids, how hes been threatening me since. My friend was appalled by it. Her words to me made me realise for the first time in a while just what i'm in 'He's a monster...'

When i got back to work, i felt calmer.. more in control of my thoughts.. and a post someone on here sent to me came into my head, about me having all the cards.

I think something in me just snapped. I went to his office, and told him i wanted to end it, and i wanted him to leave me alone. He just laughed at me. So i said.. 'Well, if you don't stop, i'll go and see your wife and kids.." He started shouting at me then and at one point i thought he was going to choke me. I couldn't get out because he was blocking my way at first, but then he realised i wasn't going to back down for once and let me past.

I haven't carried through my threat yet. I'm still too anxious and het up to get my feelings across properly to them. I have to do it soon though..

The last thing that happened is this week..

He left me alone for a little while, and i began to feel better about things. At the christmas party, i met his son, nad even though it was upsetting to see the people i could end up hurting so much.. i really liked his son. Hes the nice version of his dad, and i know the difference between what i felt for his dad, nad what i feel now.

But that made things worse with his dad. I started getting texts from him on the sunday.. horrible stuff. 'Why the f*** where you hangin around him? hes too good for you!' I sent a message back saying his son didn't think so, and that it was none of his business who i wanted to see. I got this back 'Yes it is. your mine, you belong to me.' That chilled me..

This week hes been trying to scare me.. acting really cold, thinking that will make me come running. I've managed to keep away from him all week, and just refused to talk to him when he came to reception unless it was about work. Todays the last day of the week, and i'm thinking he'll try something.. But, for once, i'm not scared.

I found out he had a wife in September. I only found out because I went to stay at his house. He went to get a bottle of wine and his phone bleeped. He had a text message. I read it, only because i felt suspicious (he'd been keeping his phone close to him all day). It read: Sorry I cant b there babe. keep the bed warm 4 me. xx'. When he came back, i confronted him with it, and he admitted he had a wife, children, and that there was nothing wrong in their relationship. I asked him why he was doing this then, nad he replied 'Because I wanted it. I like getting what i want."

Since then, i've tried to break it off. Every time i try to put space between us, he makes me scared and i come running. Whenever i threaten to dump him or walk, he makes me feel.. small, weak. I know i'm a timid thing.. but for heaven's sake, staying because i'm scared is almost cowardly.

I've met his wife and kids as well.. once at his birthday party, nad once at the christmas party. His wife is beautiful, and really lovely to me.. And both his kids are great too. The boy is my age and, if not for my situation, i'd really like him; he's a genuine, sweet guy, and he walked me home on the night of the christmas party.. I wish i hadn't got myself into this..

I met Him when I was 17. i started working for his company as a assistant to the receptionist, so I was really low down the foodchain. I was also a very quiet person back then. The most I could say was "Hi, Mr ..." Before ducking back behind my desk.

I made friends quickly there, with some girls that were just a little older then me, and we would gossip about the normal topics girls discuss (guys, music, guys, clothes, guys..) and once we talked about the boss. All the other girls agreed that, if they could, they would spend a night alone with him. He'd managed to get every girl in the place hot for him.

Anyway.. the main receptionist left, and I took over. Things were normal at first; I continued to be shy around other people, in particular the boss, and repeatedly embaressed myself. But then something changed.. He started to come in earlier, and come over and talk to me in the mornings, when the others weren't around. It took me a while to work it out, but I finally realised he was flirting with me. Then he invited me out; after work, just to a bar. You don't want the sordid details, i know but.. one thing led to another. And then it happened again the next day. And again. And so on, for about two weeks. I knew it was just sex, but it felt.. right.. I'll continue this on some other time, depending on if anyone's interested..

That wasn't just a attention-grabber. That was the truth.

Well.. not 100%, since it's not me that's cheating on their partner, but i'm half of the affair. In case you couldn't tell from my age, i'm 19, and the man with whom i'm having an affair is 41 years old. He's also my boss. I know, i've really put my foot in it.

I didn't know he had a wife until it was too late to stop it. He had never worn his wedding ring at work (I now know that was done on purpose), and I guess i just thought.. he wouldn't lie.

So, yes, anyway.. i'll never say his name, his wife's name or his children's names (he has two children.. their both my age!). If i need to refer to them by name, i'll use the first letter of their name. I just feel like I need to get out my frustration about it all somehow. I want to get out of this situation, because I feel bad, but I feel stuck.